Random thought: 09

Hi again,

So since the two people who actually read this have become my sort of therapist…I wanted to let you know that I had a sort of breakthrough today! You see, up until now, I haven’t been overly social in my hostels. Like, I’ve met a lot of cool people, including locals, Aussies, Canadians and Americans, but usually this happens on the train, or in the train station, or at a tourist site. I’ve really only made one “friend” so far at a hostel, and that was just because we had breakfast together and were on our way to do the only thing in the German town we were in. And now I can’t even find her on facebook.

Anyway, since Meritt and Nicole have left, I’ve pretty much kept to myself. Not out of any kind of shyness ,really, but because I haven’t actually felt the need to socialize. I’ve been perfectly ok with keeping myself company, and I’ve come to learn that you don’t even have to try really, because most of the time, you will meet people around. The last few nights, I’ve had wifi in my room too, so this acted as a kind of pacifier for me. I had Grey’s streaming as I progress through season 3, and I was talking on Skype to the boyfriend and Jackie and checking all my political sites and whatnot.

Well, today I check into my hostel in Dubrovnik, and I realize that I actually booked a single room. I don’t really know why, because it’s more expensive. I don’t think it’s too expensive though, so perhaps I was like ‘oh I’ll want the privacy.” Well, turns out, I don’t. I’ve learned there’s a kind of solidarity to having dorm-mates in these hostels. And people are very friendly, and, as I said earlier, you just kind of end up talking to people, even if you don’t plan on it.

I also find out soon after that my room doesn’t have Wifi. So, I’m staying tonight and tomorrow in a private room with no wifi…and I had a little freakout. As in, I once again reverted to ‘it’s all right Josh, you can come home as soon as India’s over, and that’s in less than 2 months…’ and getting all nervous in my stomach about being alone and blah blah blah annoying. Luckily, the social areas of the hostel (a pretty good hostel, I might add) had Wifi, so I went and sat in the main lobby just emailing and facebooking and stuff. After doing so for about an hour, this nice Croatian girl who works at the hostel approached me and asked if I’d like to join the party outside.

I’m still feeling really anxious. So, I initially refuse and say I’ve got all this stuff to do on the computer (aka, waiting for Jason to get off work so I can skype with him)…but after about 20 minutes of this, I realize there’s only so long I can sit on this couch without being completely creepy. I walk outside and pass this really nice group of people who actually all strike up a conversation with me. I talk for about 3 minutes, and then say good night. I’m still feeling anxious, and like I want to go home, so all I want to do is go watch Alias, to put my mind at ease with something familiar.

And then, when I got to my door, I had a choice. I realized that right then and there, I could decide what kind of trip this would be. It would either be a boring, lonely trip, where I keep to myself and stream free TV on my laptop every night because I need to cling to something familiar, or it could be a trip where I meet tons of people from around the world and actually have fun all day long, not just when I’m sightseeing. I could turn around and have a few drinks, have some intelligent conversation and not feel so alone or in need of returning home….

Well, I had a breakthrough that most people have in eighth grade! I turned around and sat right down in the middle of the group of 10 and just put myself out there. And it was great! I hung out for about an hour, before just deciding that I was totally ready to hit the sack and that by now, there was nothing wrong with watching an episode of Alias before I go to bed, because now the reason I wanted to watch an episode wasn’t because I needed one to fill up time, or to make me feel better in a foreign country, but because I was just tired and wanted to lay in bed.

At the moment, I am so happy that I am booked into a private room, and also very happy that there is no wifi in it. As I’ve said before, this trip is about new experiences. It’s about independence. And as I’ve told so many people, there’s nothing wrong with being alone…in any sense of the word. There are worse things than being single. There are worse things than being physically alone for an evening. There are worse things than being emotionally alone for a little while! Sometimes, it’s so hard to admit and believe, but it’s true….and right now, I have to prove it to myself….because I’m not alone. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, great friends, and tons of other backpackers I can meet tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. It’s just two nights…
I’m sure this won’t be my last freakout. However, I’m very proud of the fact that they are becoming less frequent, and that I’m handling them.

- Josh A