Random Thought: 01

Well, I have nothing to say but wow. I don’t think any amount of research, preparation or talking it out could have prepared me for exactly how it feels to be on my way to Chicago on a Trailways bus. Alone on a trailways bus, on my way to Europe, that is. Alone on a trailways bus, on my way to Europe, followed by India and southeast Asia for 3 and a half months. Holy fucking shit.

It’s like, I’m such a baby, but I really shouldn’t be. I have been planning this trip for literally a year. As soon as I got back from Europe last summer, it was always ‘I need to go abroad again! When can I go abroad again? I need to see as much as possible and be gone for as long as possible!’ Granted, I wasn’t in that great of a place in life. I just wanted to be out of Iowa City, above all else. I loved my boyfriend, and had a few good friends, but I felt so bored, unchallenged, uninspired.

So, I went about planning. I was confident. I wasn’t going anywhere like Iraq or Juarez or anywhere that I would have reason to take pause. It was like, if I plan enough, if I research enough, I’ll be fine. Everywhere I’m planning on going definitely has its own kind of scariness to it, since I grew up in rural Iowa, but I knew it was all stereotypes and misconceptions. Eastern Europe? So what if its capitals are concrete soviet greyscapes? Who cares if majorities of people are mistrusting of others? There is still so much to enjoy in each place. India? Enough said. SE Asia? If you’ve ever seen Brokedown Palace, you don’t have to think about it too much.

I was so driven to just see as much of the world as I possibly could. The night before Jason and I left Paris, I was honestly so sad to be coming back to the US, and that’s the emotion that stuck in my head. I never stopped to think that by August of 2010, I’d actually start to really enjoy my daily life in Iowa City…that I would stop feeling bored and start genuinely looking forward to all the little things that make my life so routine…and maybe not even feel the need to escape at all.

Here I am now, on this fucking Trailways bus, stressing out, wondering what’s going to happen when I get to Chicago, what the chances are of my luggage being stolen at the bus station, so that I have to catch another bus back to Iowa City. It’s pathetic, really.

On the other hand, some things haven’t changed. I still feel like it’s so important for everyone to go abroad, to experience other cultures, especially those in developing countries. Though I consider myself an intellectual, worldly person, who strives to be aware of the many problems facing our world today, I haven’t been anywhere less developed than Greece. I’ve only been to Europe. I didn’t even go to Costa Rica in high school. Furthermore, I’m fully aware that the only reason I’m so stressed about this is because I have a boyfriend. If I was single, I wouldn’t be worrying about someone else worrying about me (besides my mom), I wouldn’t be so sad that I wouldn’t be spending every night watching Grey’s Anatomy, and I wouldn’t have almost broken down in tears on my way to the bus station.

How many times have I seen one of my friends give up an amazing opportunity for their significant other, only to seriously think less of them because of it? How many times have I shorted myself because of my significant other (not necessarily Jason), or my parents? Or honestly, how many times have I just chickened out of something I really wanted to do, because I was too stupid and scared?

Too many. Essentially, I have realized that for me to proclaim to be the person I am, and for me to have any respect for myself, I need to go abroad and I need to do it now. I need to go to Europe, I need to go to India, and I need to go to SE Asia. I’ll witness all different kinds of development, culture, meet interesting people, eat new foods, and for the longest time I’ve been so excited. But now it’s go-time (literally) and I’m trying to pacify my fears with all these stupid security blankets.

For instance, if I become sick or depressed or just completely tired of being abroad, I’m totally able to just book a one-way ticket home from wherever I may be. Like, if I spend 1 month in Europe, and 1 month volunteering in India, no one would hear that and think ‘ugh, what a joke trip abroad.” And I would also be very proud of myself, because I did walk away from Jason even though we were both in tears, and I did get on the plane (unlike Rachel), and I did make everyone proud that collectively donated over $900 to me so that I could volunteer in India, and I got my $1400 worth of vaccinations…but at the same time, I know I’d still be cheating myself.

However, if I’m truly unhappy/stressed/ready to come home, is it really cheating myself? For instance, freshman year, when I was a music major the first week of school, I knew right away that I was miserable. I absolutely had no interest in music theory and didn’t want to be in choir or take (more) piano lessons. Rather than be stuck in that hell of a major, I switched to open and dropped all my classes. You wouldn’t believe how many people thought that was the stupidest thing I could do. Everyone was like ‘what’s the harm in waiting it out?’ My mom’s reaction was literally this:

J: So I dropped all my music classes and signed up for a some other classes.

M: ……………………………………what? Really?

Like it was as though I had completely dropped out of college to go to culinary school or take a road trip. Anyway, my point is that I’m not afraid to be like ‘Ok, ya know what? I hate this. Fuck sticking with it and patience, who has time for that? Life is short, and I’m gonna fix mine.” That was also the entire impetus for my trip I’m about to embark on. It was like, do I absolutely need to spend 3 whole months abroad (even though I wanted it to be more like 4), and go to 3 completely different regions of the world, and volunteer, and do a research project, and spend thousands and thousands of dollars, all at once??” and my thought process was “Well, no, but I want to, because a year from now I could be dead.”

I’ve always been very proud of this philosophy. Until now. Now, I’m fucked. Even though I’m not fucked, and I completely realize that. I realize that I am EXTREMELY lucky to have the money, health, drive, flexibility in my academic schedule, to do what I’m about to do, and the fact that I’m so sad to leave is a GOOD thing. Sure, it’d be easier to leave If I didn’t have an amazing boyfriend, or if I didn’t have parents who will worry their ass off over me, or if I hated being in school, or if I hated my life in Iowa City.
But the fact that I LOVE my boyfriend (who’s supportive of me and wants to stay with me, even though I’m leaving for 3.5 months), and I love my parents who care about me and I love being in school and look forward to coming back in the Spring to enroll again and am so very excited to return to Iowa City to resume my life with Jason is a GOOD thing! It’s GREAT that I enjoy my life and I’m so lucky and thankful for every second of it.

On top of all this, 3 and half months is like…absolutely nothing in the big picture. All my friends who actually study abroad (I’ll save for another entry how I’m not actually studying abroad) have been gone for 5 and a half months. My friends who were gone for a shorter amount of time? 4 and a half. Hell, I have more than one friend who was gone for an entire year! My dinky little fourteen weeks are probably going to just fly by. Especially when you consider that I’m losing a day between my flights around the world, I fully intend on getting as much sleep as possible, I’m only gonna be in any given area for no more than a month, and, as I said before, I can totally check out and just come home at anytime if I need to for any reason. I’ll be back in Jason’s apartment, watching Grey’s Anatomy before I know it. And that's it! It's like, I have the REST OF MY LIFE to have special moments with Jason. I can literally spend every single day of the rest of my life in bed hating Meredith with Jason...after 3 months. 3 months that I know will be amazing.

Oh, and guess how pathetic I am? I’m so afraid of being lonely/homesick, that I picked my CD holder (from high school, the zip-up kind with a bunch of plastic sleeves) out of my box of old useless shit, and filled it with a bunch of DVDs, like the entire series of Roswell, and the first 2 seasons of Alias. Furthermore, when my bag got too full, I chose those DVDs over my the required readings for an online course I’m taking. Yeah. Really.

I can’t believe I’m a grown up.