Random Thought: 04

this was written on August 12th at 7:30 AM 
Hola!

An aussie just called me mate. I am currently on my way to La Spezia from Firenze. I just got off a fucking night train. I hate night trains. I have to take one more in like 3 days and it’s gonna be so stupid. All that bullshit you read about waking up refreshed and ready for your day? Don’t trust it. Don’t trust Rick Steves, don’t trust the fun little pictures of old people tucking each other in on the train, don’t trust your mom! It’s dumb. Thankfully, the train I just exited had air conditioning, so that was a plus…but it doesn’t make up for the tiiiiiiiny little foot and a half you half of room to lay in, or the 3 inches of wiggle room your feet have. And I’m like, the shortest smurf in the world.

So anyway, the last two days, I might as well have been staying at a place Hansel and Gretel land. Or better yet, the Sound of Music land. Like, imagine that scene where Julie Andrews is singing The Hills are Alive (god that just reminds me of The Hills Have Eyes), and I was there. It was all great, and as of yet, I’ve yet to experience a major hitch. Literally everything has gone right or very very well. I’ve made every train, I’ve arrived on time, I’ve found my hostel, etc. It’s like god’s watching out for me. Or Buddha. Maybe they’re the same thing.

However, I’ve spent way too much fucking money. Not even out of necessity. I just haven’t been willing to spend 5 more minutes looking for cheaper food. And I really wanted to spend 8 euro to get online on that train. I know. If this keeps up, that whole coming back early might not be a choice, but the only thing I can do to stay afloat. At least if I came back early I could work more.

Cross your fingers for me!

So, unless you are Jason, you probably don’t know that I love Germany. I was only there 2 days, and all I saw was this quaint little town with a couple of castles, but I loved it! I took a train in Munich and was only there for 1 hour, but instantly wanted to see anything and everything it had to offer. Soooo I might just switch around my entire itinerary and come back to Germany again! I guess I really want to go to Berlin, and see Postdam, and go to Munich again, and go to Dachau, and shit son just do everything! And I could see Nadine. But I would have to give up Istanbul.

See, it’s hard. Because I’ve learned that you really do have to trust Rick Steves on some things, particularly, travelling with the attitude that you’ll return. It’s hard for me to do that, because I’m so now or never. With everything. That’s what I meant earlier when I said that I’m prone to literally do whatever it takes to make sure my life is how I want it. Anytime I’m faced with a major decision, I look at it as now or never. This is why I’m with Jason now, why I’ve planned such a long and drawn out trip for myself, why I’ve changed my major six times, why I’m so willing to just up and quit a job if I don’t like it, and why, for the longest time, I was very apprehensive about taking a year off before grad school. Not going to grad school right away stands right in the way of my now or never philosophy.

It all comes down to the question “What if I’m dead in a year?” Ya know? Like, if I’m lying on my deathbed in one year, will I be satisfied with my life? Will I have regrets? What is 2012 is for REAL?!?! And we are all forced to face our mortality for the months leading up to it as we prepare for whatever catastrophic event is upon us. Will I be able to sit back and say “Ya know what? This is great. I have made the best use I can out of 100% of my time on this earth, or damn near close to it”?? Not if I was stuck in some job I hate making photocopies for 8 hours a day. Not if I was still a music major. And not if I had given up going abroad because I was scared. Thankfully, this has usually worked out for me.

Except now? Both this year and last year, my itineraries were totally packed to the brim with stops, overnight trains to save time, and ultimately, cutting out really cool things in some cities so that I could experience something new elsewhere. If it comes down to an extra day in the same place, or one day somewhere new, I always pick the latter. I fully realize I need to stop it. While I was planning it out and making reservations for a different hotel each night, I could hear this tiny, high-pitched voice in the back of my head saying ‘Don’t do iiiiiit, don’t do iiiiit, that’s gonna suck and you’re gonna be tired, you’re not gonna wanna leave, don’t do iiiiiiit.’ But what did I do? I did it. Last summer, I learned that it was stupid, and we changed up our plans for a few different reasons, so that trip was far less crazy than this one. For now.

Ugh! Should I go to Istanbul? I’ve wanted to for so long, and I’ve even taken an (accelerated) year of Turkish! But Germany seems so…new…and it’s right here. I wouldn’t have to take 12 hour trains/busses through Belgrade and Sofia, doing hardly anything along the way. Fuck. I don’t know. If I follow Rick Steves’s advice, it’s safe to assume that I will return and I will go to Istanbul someday. And this makes sense, because there is literally like one year’s worth of things to see and do in Turkey. It makes Italy look like a day at the zoo. I really should just come back someday and do it all at once.

The idea of taking a bunch of busses and trains and dealing with border crossings and other annoyances to get there isn’t quite so jarring when I think of taking a trip someday that isn’t a month. Ya know? Like I forget that most people only take a week or two of vacation lol. Like, the idea of spending a few days in Istanbul and taking maybe one bus or train to Romania over a week or isn’t ridiculous. Or scary. Or anything like that. But when I put the idea of even spending a few days there, amid all the other places I’m going on my trip, trying to fit in so much in so little time, it’s just stressful. But what if I’m dead in a year?!

To be fair, a lot of my motivation to want to do so much comes from this persona I want to project. Like, when people think of me as a person, I want them to think of someone who isn’t afraid to take risks. I want them to think of someone who doesn’t care what people think and does what he has to, to be happy. Someone who makes their life what they want it to be. Someone who thinks outside the box, takes the road less traveled. I think it’s because I get so frustrated with other people whining about their lives and not doing anything about it, that I want to just yell at them and tell them to stop being such huge babies! Like, ok are you upset with your friend? Fucking talk to them. Do you wish you had a different job? Quit your fucking job. Don’t like your major? Change your fucking major. Do you really want to move? Move! Do you want to someday go to Australia! Make it happen! If you don’t like your new major, change it back. If you can’t go to Australia, big deal, at least you tried.

Because of this attitude, I feel so pressed to actually live this way. I don’t always, and when I don’t, I really let myself have it. I come down really hard on myself, because what would people think if they knew I was taking the easy wa out? That was also part of the impetus for coming to Europe. It was like, god if people knew that I actually gave up this trip so I could spend a few more months going to Chili’s with Jason, they would probably think I was really fucking pathetic. And I would be pathetic! While I usually strive to not give a damn what people think (and 95% of the time, I honestly don’t), when it comes to issues that are so central to my identity, it’s really hard. Though I still realize that if I REALLY don’t want to care what people think, then I STILL should just do whatever I want and FUCK anyone and everyone who thinks anything negative about me and that even if something SEEMS like it’s me making a decision that goes against my principles, it doesn’t matter because it’s MY decision and only I know what is best for me. Though I know that in many ways it doesn’t matter because no one reads this and no one remembers where I’ve told them I’m going haha.

It’s kind of a paradox and I go round and round with it. Because I do want to live up to the principles I wax poetic about. Anyway my point is that if I did end up giving up Istanbul because I’m scared to make it there, or (on a larger scale) if I even ended up coming home early or something, even if it was because I was miserable or sick, I would honestly be really embarrassed about it, because I would be afraid of people thinking I was a huge baby. Or that I wasn’t the independent traveler I have described to people in such depth, who isn’t afraid to go to Eastern Europe or hack it alone on night-trains. I want people to think of me as someone doesn’t go where everyone else goes, who has explored poorer regions of the world without hesitation. And that’s somewhat fair, because it’s true. I DO really want to go to Istanbul. I DO really want to visit Russia and Romania and Africa and Thailand and Vietnam. All of them. But I think I need to realize that it’s ok if I don’t do all of it right now. Yes, I might be dead in a year, but I might also live to be 115. I could be the oldest person on the planet someday. Ya know how many free cruises I’ll get if I’m that guy?

Anyway, this all comes down to a certain point: in many ways, I almost feel like I should just stay in Western Europe, doing the easy thing, or even come home early down the road, because they might be the best thing for me to do overall. Though they seem like the easy choices, for me they’re also very hard choices. This whole trip is about being more independent, experiencing new emotions and being outside my comfort zone. These are all good things. Every single time I get slightly stressed or confused, I remind myself that it’s ok. Change is good. I am in no danger anywhere I may go and there is no reason to be stressed, other than that I am in an unfamiliar situation. Having to come back and really trying to be ok with my choices would be the biggest and perhaps most rewarding challenge yet.

I do realize that changing my plans to suit my needs should be exactly what I do if that’s what I need to be comfortable and happy, and fuck anyone who would judge me for it. Honestly, coming home early if I needed to would be the biggest step yet toward really trying to be at ease with myself and who I really am. And when I say coming home early, I mean a month early, not coming home next week. I will definitely absolutely be gone for at least 2 months, because I’m not giving up any Europe, regardless of how lonely I am, because it’s all too exciting, and volunteering in India is too important to give up, for so many reasons (I got $1400 worth of vaccinations, people donated over $900 so I could do it, it’s essential for grad school experience, and I’m actually doing something for someone else for once, etc).

I just mean that if 2 months from now, after volunteering, I’m not exactly feeling up to another month of solo travelling (around India, as planned), I really hope that I’m able to make the choices I need to make to be happy. And I hope I’m able to live with my choices. You see, after my initial failed trip abroad, I literally spent the entire following YEAR only ever talking about going to Europe. While half of this was because I really did want to go and because I wanted to see everything, half was because I had failed. I don’t like to fail, and when I do, as I said before, I come down hard on myself. So I planned something bigger and better. It worked out. But I still had things to do and places to see. Here I am again. If I choose to change my plans, in many ways I’ll have “failed”, by my definition, even if I know that I’m happier with my new choices. And though I may be able to be happy in the short term, I don’t want to end up back in the US, not letting myself forget it.

Because there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to spend a month alone in India! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take it easy in Germany! I fully realize that…but it’s hard to admit, as I’ve built up this idea of myself as a brave, independent, confident person who can and will do anything he puts his mind to. Only backpacking across Europe for a second time and only volunteering in India for a month and completing a research project that I got a $3000 grant for isn’t exactly something to scoff at. And I’ll forever be proud of myself for it. Or at least I should be. This might all just be a moot point though, as my aforementioned financial situation might make these decisions for me, and everyday I am becoming more and more comfortable on this continent, so I may end up having to take numerous actions to maximize/extend my stay abroad.

Can I just say one thing though? Regardless of what happens, I’m so proud of the person I’ve become over the past few years. 2.5 years ago, I was supposed to be heading out on a trip to go abroad all across Europe. It didn’t work out for like 50 different reasons (mostly boiling down to the fact that I was too lazy and too much of a chicken to make it all work out), but at the beginning of the (organized, study abroad) trip, we were supposed to fly into London, take the a regional train out to some suburb and then wait at a youth hostel for the rest of the gang to arrive.

They might as well have told me I was meeting them at a fucking pup tent off a gravel road in the middle of the Rwandan jungle.

I’m serious, this thought was so scary to me. Like, having to get on a train, by myself?!? With all my stuff?! In the middle of….LONDON!? The richest city in the world, where everything’s super nice, in English, convenient and probably extremely safe?! How can they expect this of me?

I’m not even kidding. The thought of that solo train-ride was so scary to me. I don’t even…whatever. It’s no surprise I didn’t go. But let me just say this: I am so proud of the fact that I’m such a completely different person now, that no matter what happens to me on this trip, I’m at least glad I’m no longer so small-town or so scared or so pathetic that I can’t even spend 1 day alone. In London. Wait, not even in London, in the super-rich suburbs.

Anyway, I still don’t know what to do. Istanbul and environs or a return Germany? I do know that I’m going to be hanging out with Meritt for the next 3 days though, so I’m not sure if I’ll have time to update much, especially if we go cliff-diving like she wants (aah!) and I end up in the hospital.

Irregardless, this has been fun :) Except for the fact that I am DISGUSTING after that night train. And I lost my toothpaste. Yup, it’s gross.

- Josh A