Random Thoughts: 24 - 26

Update:

So, I'm in India, and I'm working through the shock, each day getting better than the next. But, I've had limited access to internet, and the internet I've had hasn't been wifi. So, I've been writing blog entries but not uploading them. The following are the 3 which I wrote on my first 3 days on the Indian Subcontinent.

Random Thought: 24,
written on September 10th, in the middle of the night

Wow,

I’m in India. It’s weird how you envision things. Ya know? Like, I’ve thought about going to India for so long now, but I really don’t think any thoughts or readings or research or plans really could have actually come close as to what it’d be like. It’s 3:36 in the morning and I’m at Indira Gandhi Airport, and this story is about as ironic as you can imagine.

So, when you’re in coming to a new place, especially a developing country, and you’re alone, the natural course of action is to ease yourself into it, right? Right. Unless you’re me. I, of course, intentionally made my arrival so that I would arrive at the Delhi International Airport at midnight…and then I would wait in the airport all night long to catch my next fight to Chennai, at 7:05 AM. This, of course, is all instead of booking a direct flight to Chennai, which could probably arrive at a pretty auspicious time. I don’t know why either.

So, awhile ago, I found out that the international terminal and the domestic terminal are actually four miles apart. I then find out that I actually have to get from one to the other…in the middle of the night. So, of course I’m expecting to just show up and have a fucking heart attack. Ya know? Like I don’t even know, I just am preparing for the worst. I’m so nervous on the flight over, and I just can’t accept the fact that I’m about to land in fucking India, and then when I finally land, it’s just….as easy as pie!

In fact, the most stressful thing about my evening so far has been this really bitchy lady behind me in Customs from the UK who was SO MAD that our line was taking so long, she even verbally accosted the Customs worker. She wanted me to join in, but I was like hell no sista, I am NOT gonna be thrown out of no India at midnight. Anyway, I hop on out of the plane and it’s literally just like arriving in Chicago or Detroit or whatever. I mean, this airport is shwank.

And even the international one itself is HUGE so I walk about a half a mile to get through customs and get my baggage, and of course every single sign is in English, I think there may have been like 2 in Hindi, and everyone is just SO NICE and I’m directed to this bus that transports people between terminals. I get on, and soon the bus fills up with all these locals, who are very helpful and conversational. Within 20 minutes, I’m where I need to be. The drive was semi-interesting, as I got to see something other than an airport, but it was dark. I then checked in for my next flight (4 hours early) and now, here I sit, in this cute little café area, surrounded by a KFC, Pizza Hut, Wifi “Laptop” Station (though you have to have a cell phone to actually use the wifi, dammit), and many sleepy travellers.

It’s just crazy how…not India this is. I mean, I know, I’ve only been inside airports (though I also drove 4 miles on the freeway), but like, I expected to walk outside to get to the bus and just be bum-rushed by beggars and overwhelmed with new smells and sounds and, yeah, just pass out or something. But this night has been…nice lol.

I don’t really know why though…maybe it’s because EVERY SINGLE THING is in English, or maybe it’s because everyone is SO nice. I mean really, everyone here treats you with such respect and you are always met by the biggest, most genuine smiles. This started with the very first flight attendant on my plane and continued until just now, in the security check. Customer Service here is DEFINITELY kicking Europe’s ass. I remember one night, the Danes and I just sat around talking all about customer service, and how for quite awhile, it seemed as though every single person we encountered hated their job and us for coming to their country. Here, even though it’s the middle of the night, I’ve been met by very helpful employees who were more than happy to assist me. And there’s just something so…well, genuine about it all, it’s quite refreshing.

I truly expected this evening to be the most stressful night of my entire trip, but as I sit here with my boarding pass, ready to board my flight 3 hours in advance, I’m definitely thinking that’s a no. Furthermore, I’m just…so happy right now. I can’t even put it into words.

Oh, and even though I’ve heard about it from countless people, it’s still so weird to see two men walking around holding hands. Oh! And I could have brought a bomb on my plane from Frankfurt. I have my messenger bag with me at all times, and it’s my carry-on on flights, and it’s full of…well, everything. I knew that when I put it into the scanner it would just go off like a bomb itself b/c it’s full of paper clips and pens and coins and god knows what else, and so of course, in line at Frankfurt, the machine freaked out. The security guard got it out, opened up, saw my Rough Guide to India, and asked

SG: Have you been to India?
J: Nope, I’m on my way.
SG: Really? How long?
J: About a month.

He flipped through my book and we made small talk about money, and that was it. He just waved me on. Wtf?!
- Josh A

Random Thought: 25
Written on September 11th

So, `

I have had two full days in India. Talk about fucking insane. I don’t even…whatever. If you thought my last post was ironic, it gets even more ironic that of course I actually do almost have a heart attack once I’m here. I don’t really know what happened, but once in my bed and just done with my first day, I was freaking the fuck out. I had just got done booking all my of flights home, so I knew that I was totally going to be home early, on October 23rd, and I was gonna get to Bali and to Vietnam and Chicago in pretty much the most perfect way possible, and I was officially on the second leg of my trip, and I was feeling great just movin’ along, feelin alive and all that bullshit I always spout…and then I just lost it.

I was up all night just thinking and missing Jason and missing my mom and being really whiny and pathetic. It was RIDICULOUS. I mean, it didn’t matter how logically I could force myself to look at things, nothing helped. Like, I knew that being here is important. It is! Being in India is pretty much the best thing I could possibly do with my life right now, if not the best thing I’ve ever done, because not only am I volunteering and actually doing something good for human kind for once in my life, I’m also bearing witness to things that everyone from white, middle class, Midwestern America needs to see: poverty, a developing country, disease, hunger, REALITY. I am expanding my horizons, padding my resume for grad school/previous jobs, and seeing the world. But last night, I would have honestly taken a direct flight home today if I had a little less willpower. Even the thought of seeing a familiar face, Jackie, as soon as
I’m done here didn’t help.

Today was much better. I still was annoying, but I went back and forth. I think the fact that I’m actually here and ticking off days is helpful. Like, the first day is always the hardest. This was true the first day I left Jason, and it’s true now. And tomorrow, I’ll actually move into my dorm, where I’ll be for 4 weeks and I’ll have my own space, air conditioner, and hopefully wifi. Then I can start my daily routine and…I really need one. Seriously. I am so tired of being a tourist.
I think that also compounded my mentality on day 1. I was already stressed, but what I was truly looking forward to about India was that I would be done just being a fucking tourist. Ya know? I am so tired of just walking around and finding a restaurant to eat at and then walking around more and then coming back to an unfamiliar hotel and then packing up the next day and lugging around my 40 pound backpack and then repeating the entire process.

That’s essentially all I’ve done my first two days in Hindustan. It’s pretty amusing how most people would love nothing more than to be taken on a free, private tour of the city upon arrival by a helpful, English-speaking local, but I was just like ‘Ugh. Fine.’ So, thank god for tomorrow. SO EXCITED!

To be fair though, essentially nothing actually stressful has happened to me. I got really lucky, in that there are two Americans staying at my hotel who are also here through my NGO and they were just super-nice, and showed me around, and took me to add minutes to my phone (yup, I have a cell now, call me), and just included me in their entire day. One’s from Wisconsin, so we talked about Chicago and how the Dells are ridiculous and the Midwest in general. I honestly think that without them I may have had a nervous breakdown and started crying. Because without them, I would have had 2 options: go out and explore a third-world country with no street signs on my own, or stay in all by myself all day in a hot, cramped hotel. Neither would have made my day A-OK.

Actually, there were some parts of my day with my fellow students that were exactly what I needed to feel better. Chris, the one from Wisconsin, told me that when he first arrived here, he literally was ready to just book a flight for the next day and go right home. He hated it and didn’t know how to deal. But the program director (whom I’ll meet tomorrow) talked him down. 7 weeks later, he loves it and is so glad he stayed. He and my other friend, Jessie, both told me to just take my time to adjust.
It took them both about 2-3 weeks before they really started getting into the groove. On top of this, Jessie also offered to be there for me if I need anything. Like, she said that when she got here, she wanted little things, like snacks for her room or a new pair of sandals, but didn’t know how to get anywhere or how to go about getting anything. And she was so nice and just totally offered to help me with anything I might need and gave me her phone number. She was like a gift from God, really. And we spent the day on this beautiful sea-side town with these ancient temples and carvings and a beautiful beach.

Another thing that gave me hope was that I was reminded again how short my trip really is. Jessie is staying in India for a total of 8 months…shit lol. She’s been here since July and is leaving in March. Chris got here August 1st, and isn’t leaving until November 28th. I’m out of here in 30 days, then I’ll be with Jackie O, someone I’ve known almost my entire life, for 5 days, so I realize that I should just calm down.

Oh! And neither Jessie nor Chris had been out of the US before. I know. INDIA was their very first experience outside home. Like, I’ve always wanted to go to India, but I wanted to go to Europe first to ease myself into it. I believed in this strategy so much that I went twice, and went east the second time around. It didn’t help. I’m still stressed, and my friends are doing just fine.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I’m just not comfortable here. Yet, that is. Europe is one thing, ya know? Everywhere is attractive and easy and convenient, while here, everything is…well, not attractive, and complicated, and confusing. In Europe, I was in air conditioned youth hostels, surrounded by people who looked like me and sounded like me and watched the same TV shows as me. Here, I’m in a hot, cramped room, and though I met some awesome people today, I’m still essentially on my own.
I can only use the internet on the 1 computer here, so I can’t really update my blog, or skype with Jason, or watch Grey’s, or partake in any of the other ridiculous rituals I utilize to feel familiar and comfortable.
But, I will also admit that I’m lucky, in that everyone here is SO nice. Like, you walk down the street and strangers will yell hi to you from 15 feet away, because they want you to feel welcome or something. You walk into a shop, and you’re treated like royalty. If you have a question, people are more than willing to assist you, and they want to know where you’re from, what your parents do for a living and all about your personal history. And, obviously, everyone speaks English. More variables that could have made these past two days absolute hell.

Ok I’m done. But! Oh yeah! I’m also excited for tomorrow because apparently there are 3 Danish people who are also moving into my dorm tomorrow…so maybe I’ll make some more friends from Copenhangen :)

- Josh A

Ps I love Jason

Random Thought: 26
Written on September 12th

Hi again,

I’m all moved into my dorm. It’s…I dunno, not that nice, but this is India, and I’m probably living in a better situation than 85% of the population of this country. And I have air conditioning (IT’S SO FUCKING OPPRESSIVELY HOT HERE), a reliable (so far) outlet to charge my electronics, and my own shower. So, I’m thankful to be here. I am already on day 3 of my Indian excursion, and I’m feeling good. Day 4 will be 1/8 of my time here.

Ugh, I hate that I do that. I did it all through Europe, and I’m doing it again now. I constantly am keeping track of how much time I have left. I did it the entire first 3 weeks of Europe, the last week and a half, I forgot about it because I felt like all the pressure was off. I’m always aware of where I am in my trip. For example, tomorrow I will be 1/8 done with my time in India, 5 weeks total into my total trip, with 5 weeks and 5 days left, which means I am 7/15 done with my entire trip, just about halfway.

Hopefully, I’ll forget about this soon too. And when you think about it, there are a few big landmarks coming up. In a few days, my trip will be officially halfway over, and September will also be halfway over. Then very soon after that, I’ll have only 1 month until I’m home. That should take some of the pressure off. Ugh, I just have nothing to do still, so I keep thinking and thinking and thinking…it’s so annoying.

Essentially, I’m just sitting in my room alone all day. Though I was able to move in, all I did was talk with the program director about my meals during my stay, we talked about my goals, and then he gave me tons of tips and stuff. Now the rest of the evening I just get to sit around. It is nice though, because I’ve been watching Friends like crazy (yay for bringing 3 seasons of Friends, 2 seasons of Alias, 3 seasons of Roswell, and 10 of my favorite movies with me!). I even tried to go out exploring, but it’s a holiday today so all the shops are closed. I would have loved to get online or get some food.

Oh! PS. I have had no appetite at all since I arrived. I think it’s a mixture of the heat, plus the jet lag, plus the stress, but I am never hungry. Jess, Chris and I went out to eat, and I ordered this teeny, tiny pizza, and I only could eat half of it. I also have had indian food twice now, and though in the US, I always treat Indian food like a smorgasbord and just eat my heart out, I could barely finish my plate either time. Today I probably won’t eat anything. Oh well, at least I’ll look good in Bali! Ooh, that’s such a good idea.

On a very bright note, I have learned that the program coordinator, whose name is Krish, is just amazing. He is so helpful, and is so worried about my well-being. He has called me 6 times today, and texted me another 6 times with just random advice, and so many questions as to how I’m feeling, and has made every attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. He promised to go out tomorrow and look for a wireless router for my room, and even though the Danish girls aren’t here yet, he made the doorman promise that when they arrived, he would introduce us. Upon saying goodbye to me, he said something I’ll never forget: “Keep smiling.”

So, I’m gonna try to remember that. And I’m glad to know that I didn’t seem dour.

Oh! One last thing. Since I’m interested in public health, he told me that if I’d like, halfway through my stay, I could move to a hospital in Chennai and volunteer there in another program,. He said the accommodation is probably nicer and there are more volunteers there. I don’t know right now, but if it gets lonely around here, or I just need a change, I’m totally gonna take him up on that.

Ok wait, I lied, another thing. If you don’t know by now, I have shortened my trip. I am now coming home October 23rd. That’s why I’m almost halfway done now. Essentially, I realized that there’s no fucking way I can possibly travel around India all on my own for over a month without going fucking insane and just hating India, travelling, myself and life. It really was a hard decision, because I had to screw over Maggie and I’ll always feel very terrible about it, but it wasn’t that I just didn’t want to travel, it was that I couldn’t. Like, no part of me at all wants to go about doing that...and it's sad, but I know I'll return to India someday. There is so much to see, and I do like it, I just can't wander around aimlessly anymore. If I could volunteer for another month, I probably would, but I can't deal with just more endless travelling for so long. Who knew this would be my mindset now?

Anyway, volunteering, I can do. I recognize that I’m giving up my time and comfort (albeit in an air conditioned room with a private security guard) for others, and I am secure in my placement until I leave the country. Thankfully, Krish also agreed to let me stay 3 days later than I planned to volunteer, which is great because I only paid for 28 days, and I have 3 days between the last day and my flight. Anyway, this is really the most important part of my trip. And I paid $1000 to do it. And I raised $900 to pay for it. So, I can’t give it up.

It did take some tweaking though, like now I’m doing my research project in Chennai, instead of going about the country. You see, my research project is about the Reservations system in India. India has a system called ‘Reservations’, which is like Affirmative Action, but much more so. It’s aimed at women, scheduled tribes and Dalits. In other words, those who used to barely have a shot at getting into college are now reserved a certain percentage of all college admissions. It’s a flawed system, but it is doing good. I plan to speak with university representatives to see how this is actually implemented, and then compare it to the US. I got $3000 to do so, ps.

Originally, I was going to tour about the entire country and interview people from 4 colleges in Delhi, 4 colleges in Mumbai and 4 colleges in Bangalore. Shortly ago, I realized that sounds like a nightmare. So, now I’m just going to visit the 10 or so universities located in Chennai and do the same. As soon as I get my internet connection, I’m gonna get started on that.

ANYWAY, now, after I’m done with my time in india (which will be a total of 32 days, 3 of which are complete), I am flying to see Jackie in Bali for 4 days and 5 nights (and get this: I have THREE flights to ge there. Chennai – Delhi, Delhi-Bangkok, Bangkok – Bali). I was originally going to just stay in Thailand for that time, but then Jackie was like ‘Let’s go to Bali’ and I was like ‘Fuck yeah let’s go to Bali.’

From there, I’m flying to Hanoi for 3 nights and 2 days. And guess what. I’ve decided to live it up. Seriously. I am gonna book 3 nights at the nicest spa and resort in Ha Long Bay (google image it now), and there better be a pool, massages, tours, an awesome restaurant, a driver to pick me up at the airport, and every other amenity possible, because those are the requirements for me to book a room. Anyway, from there, I’m flying back to the US. I’ll be back October 23rd.

And it’ll all be awesome. As long as I keep on smiling.

- Josh A